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The Amish Voice 15
the child who is less talented or favored.
He will tend to become discouraged,
resentful, withdrawn, and bitter.
Favoritism by parents generally leads to
favoritism
among
the
children
themselves, who pick up the practice
from their parents. They will favor one
brother or sister over the others and will
often favor one parent over the other.
3) A third way parents provoke their
children is by pushing achievement
beyond reasonable bounds. A child can
be so pressured to achieve that he is
virtually destroyed. He quickly learns
that nothing he does is sufficient to
please his parents. No sooner does he
accomplish one goal than he is
challenged to accomplish something
better. Fathers who fantasize their own
achievements through the athletic skills
of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a
glamorous career through the lives of
their
daughters
prostitute
their
responsibility as parents.
I once visited a young woman who was
confined to a padded cell and was in a
state of catatonic shock. She was a
Christian and had been raised in a
Christian family, but her mother had
ceaselessly pushed her to be the most
popular, beautiful, and successful girl in
school. She became head cheerleader,
homecoming queen, and later a model.
But the pressure to excel became too
great and she had a complete mental
collapse. After she was eventually
released from the hospital, she went back
into the same artificial and demanding
environment. When again she found she
could not cope, she committed suicide.
She had summed up her frustration when
she told me one day, “I don’t care what it
is I do, it never satisfies my mother.”
4) A fourth way children are provoked is
by discouragement. A child who is never
complimented or encouraged by his
parents is destined for trouble. If he is
always told what is wrong with him and
never what is right, he will soon lose
hope and become convinced that he is
incapable of doing anything right. At that
point he has no reason even to try.
Parents can always find something
that a child genuinely does
well, and they should show
appreciation for it. A child
needs
approval
and
encouragement in things
that are good every bit as
much
as
he
needs
correction in things that are
not.
5) A fifth way provocation occurs
is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their
children and making them feel unwanted.
Children who are made to feel that they
are an intrusion, that they are always in
the way and interfere with the plans and
happiness of the parents, cannot help
becoming resentful. To such children the
parents themselves will eventually
become unwanted and an intrusion on the
children’s plans and happiness.
6) A sixth form of provocation comes
from failing to let children grow up at a
normal pace. Chiding them for always
acting childish, even when what they do
is perfectly normal and harmless, does
not contribute to their maturity but rather
helps confirm them in their childishness.
7) A seventh way of angering children is
that of using love as a tool of reward or
punishment—granting it when a child is
good and withdrawing it when he is bad.
Often the practice is unconscious, but a
child can sense if a parent cares for him
less when is he disobedient than when he
behaves. That is not how God loves and
is not the way he intends human parents
to love. God disciplines His children just
as much out of love as He blesses them.
“Those whom the Lord loves He
disciplines” (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so
easy to punish out of anger and
resentment, parents should take special
care to let their children know they love
them when discipline is given.
8) An eighth way to provoke children is
by physical and verbal abuse. Battered
children are a growing tragedy today.
Even
Christian
parents—fathers
especially—sometimes overreact and
spank their children much
harder than necessary.
Proper
physical
discipline is not a
matter of exerting
superior authority and
strength,
but
of
correcting in love and
reasonableness.
Children are also abused
verbally. A parent can as
easily overpower a child with words
as with physical force. Putting him down
with superior arguments or sarcasm can
inflict serious harm, and provokes him to
anger and resentment. It is amazing that
we sometimes say things to our children
that we would not think of saying to
anyone else—for fear of ruining our
reputation!
In closing, consider the confession of one
Christian father:
My family’s all grown and the kids are
all gone. But if I had to do it all over
again, this is what I would do. I would
love my wife more in front of my
children. I would laugh with my children
more—at our mistakes and our joys. I
would listen more, even to the littlest
child. I would be more honest about my
own weaknesses, never pretending
perfection. I would pray differently for
my family; instead of focusing on them,
I’d focus on me. I would do more things
together with my children. I would
encourage them more and bestow more
praise. I would pay more attention to
little things, like deeds and words of
thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had
to do it all over again, I would share God
more intimately with my family; every
ordinary thing that happened in every
ordinary day I would use to direct them
to God.
Reprinted from John MacArthur
and Grace to You ministries.
Ways Parents Provoke—Continued
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